The Healer Banished From The Party, In Fact, Is The Strongest - Chapter 45

Armia’s Melancholy

「Hahh- Hahh- I, why did I…」

A few minutes after I was agitated and ran away after being surprised by Raust-san who was with Zieg-san, I was breathing heavily deep in the city.
Because I came here at full speed, I was out of breath and the people around me were looking at me suspiciously.

But I couldn’t afford to care about them.

Maybe because of my lack of oxygen, but the first thing that came to my mind was the previous event, my encounter with Raust-san.
He was… the one I yearned for.

There wasn’t much, but after I went to the labyrinth with Zieg-san and Laila-san yesterday, I had some savings.
Since that time, I tried to find Raust-san.
Of course it was to give what I have in hand to Raust-san.

But the unexpected meeting made me flustered.
When I met Raust-san, I had pictured in my mind over and over again how I should apologize or how I should show my intention to atone to him, because of that, when I met with an unexpected situation, I fell into a panic.

………And then, I had run away from that place.

If, from the beginning, I was aware that Raust-san was there, then I wouldn’t have panicked.
At that time, however, I was too focused at Zieg-san as I was angry at him who told me I would be excluded from the phoenix subjugation quest.
To not bring a rearguard just like me to fight a phoenix was nothing but suicide.

「…Why, why did I do that…」

……However, I regretted so greatly for acting based on emotion.

I was no longer angry with Zieg-san.
It was just, I just felt I have to do that.

「What to do- What to do-」

And then that regret changed to frustration, I was unconsciously muttering those words.
Atoning to Raust-san, that was my top priority.
Nevertheless, having committed such a blunder, I strongly reproached myself.

「…More failure is not allowed.」

And, while holding that feeling, I muttered those words.
Because, my existence had no value anymore other than to atone to Raust-san.
And now, no one would atone together with me.

Those people betrayed me, and ran away……

「Ughh!」

Right when I thought that, I felt nauseous.
I rushed into an alley, out of public eyes, while holding my mouth.

「Guh…」

In the end, I didn’t vomit the content of my stomach, but the horrible feeling still didn’t go away.

The words I told Sword of Lightning, the invitation to atone together.
It wasn’t something I said without thinking.
Even I already knew that Sword of Lightning hadn’t consisted of good people.
And when I entered Laila-san’s party, knowing that I didn’t have to work and struggle from the bottom, I felt troubled.

——However, the fact that I became a first-class adventurer by being invited into Sword of Lightning never disappear from inside me.

That was a big deal for me.
Until then, I was someone at the bottom, but Sword of Lightning raised my standing like that.
Regardless of their true intentions.
So, I decided to start again from the bottom to return the favor to Sword of Lightning.

…But my feelings were trampled in the worst way.

「Why…」

Every time I thought about that time, I felt like covered in something murky.
Like the stagnant feeling coagulated to become something black.

「…I have no time to think about this.」

I tried to look away from that feeling.
Somehow, by being obsessed with having to atone.

「Hahh~ I finally found you.」

「………Huh?」

The next moment, my thought was interrupted by a familiar voice in the alley that was supposed to not have anyone around.
I raised my face in the direction the voice came from.

「Narsena…san?」

——And, dumbfounded, I murmured the name of the person standing there.

◇ ◆ ◇

A few minutes after meeting Narsena-san, I was taken to an unpopular vacant lot.
On the way, she didn’t say anything at all.
I could imagine what she would do to me.

…Narsena-san is, probably trying to get back at me.

Narsena-san was famous in the Adventurer guild for being Raust-san’s lover.
Also, Narsena-san didn’t allow anyone who wronged her lover, Raust-san.
A girlfriend like that wouldn’t have forgiven someone like me.
I didn’t know what she would do now, but I was sure it wouldn’t end peacefully.

But even when I knew that, I didn’t lose my composure.

I knew it was a matter of course to be punished.
Regardless of what was done by anyone, it was a punishment.

…However, contrary to my expectation, after we arrived at the vacant lot, Narsena-san just sat on the stone and didn’t do anything.

She just turned her eyes with an inquiring look at me.

「…Are you not going to do anything?」

Seeing her acted like that, I unintentionally asked that.

「I just come to give a piece of advice.」

「……Huh?」

In response to my words, Narsena-san answered me concisely.
But for a moment, I didn’t understand what she meant.
Shaken, I let out a stupid sounding voice.

「Don’t be obsessed with trying to atone to Onii-san. Don’t take advantage of Onii-san anymore.」

「Wha-!?」

……However, everything fell into place with her next words and blood drained from my face.

Obsession of atonement, that wasn’t what I was trying to do.
Nevertheless, when Narsena-san told me so, I couldn’t deny her words.
What came to my mind was me, focusing to atone to divert my mind from Sword of Lightning.

Far from obsession, it was an unseemly act called dependence.
And I couldn’t hide my turmoil towards myself who was doing that.

「I don’t intend to lend you a hand. What my Onii-san want from you is not revenge, nor recompense, that’s irrelevant. What he wants is to not be involved with you.」

……As if reading my feeling like an open book, Narsena-san repeated her words.
Hearing her, I could no longer raise my head towards her.
I was driven by shame and felt the urge to disappear from this place.

「Don’t get me involved me with your lingering attachment.」

「………!」

……However, the moment she said that, my emotion turned into one of anger.

——I fully understood that it was foolish to be involved in the Sword of Lightning.

Narsena-san’s words were justified.
I believed in people who shouldn’t be trusted and as a result, being betrayed by them.
I met with a bad experience like that and still couldn’t break away from Sword of Lightning, from Narsena’s viewpoint, I must be nothing but a fool.

Even though I understood that, I couldn’t suppress the violent emotion within me.

I desperately tried to suppress it.
I knew it was just misplaced anger.

…But the next moment, I couldn’t suppress my feeling anymore and opened my mouth.

「What do you know about me!」

Right after I screamed, I felt intense regret in my heart.
Even though what my conversation partner said was right, I vented at them.
That was what I do even though I should’ve apologized instead.

With this, no matter what she said, I couldn’t complain.

「………Ehh?」

However, contrary to my expectation, Narsena-san was calm.
Despite receiving my unreasonable outburst of anger, even anger didn’t appear on her face.

Instead, what showed up on her face was a look of pity.

「Wha-!?」

I never thought her expression would turn into that of pity, I was noticeably shaken.
I wasn’t close to Narsena-san, there was no reason she should feel pity for me.

「I won’t belittle you for your trouble, but you shouldn’t be trapped in it.」

Glancing at my still shaken self, Narsena-san said so.

「What you have to do now is not to be bound by regrets or to make amends.」

I couldn’t understand the meaning of what Narsena-san trying to say.
I knew it was not good if I kept trying to atone, and I still couldn’t shake off my attachment.
But, I couldn’t figure out what I should do now.

「Eh? What does that mean…」

In order to clear my confusion, I asked Narsena-san.
However, Narsena-san didn’t spare her attention to me at all.
She ignored what I was saying and kept talking.

「The people that are your current party member said that they will give us all the reward from phoenix subjugation, in order to make a place where you can apologize to Onii-san.」

「——Kh!」

……And I finally understood what Narsena-san was trying to say when she said that.

The figure of Laila-san and Zieg-san who worried about me and tried to cheer me up flashed in my mind.
I didn’t know how far in the red they would be if they gave all the reward from phoenix subjugation to Raust-san’s party.
But still, in order to help me back to my own feet, Laila-san and Zieg-san gave up the reward.

And yet, I only cared about myself and didn’t pay attention to what they did for me.

I had forgotten even the fact that Laila-san had supported me since we were in Sword of Lightning.
I had comrades that tried to support me and I didn’t notice at all.

But not anymore.

Seriously, I was just a helpless child.
I was also blinded by the thing I couldn’t do that I lost sight of the most important things.
But now I knew.

How much Laila-san and Zieg-san cared for me.
And how important they were for me.

……Currently, Sword of Lightning and the black emotion still took a big portion of my heart.

However, I finally realized what I had to do now, I wasn’t going to stand still anymore.

「Narsena-san… umm, thank you very much!」

And so, I bowed toward Narsena-san who made me aware of that fact.

「I think it’s impossible right now, but I promise I will absolutely recompense Raust-san for everything. Also for my gratitude for you, Narsena-san. Really, thank you very much!」

Narsena made a small nod toward me who said that loudly.
And then, after confirming that, I started to run back to where Zieg-san and Laila-san was.

「First of all, I have to ask for permission to participate in the phoenix subjugation……」

Uncomparable from before, my gait was light.

Note to self, don’t watch stream while translating, don’t play game while translating, don’t force myself to translate while sleepy, don’t read other novel while translating and most importantly, don’t go browse reddit or discord while translating

Yeah, above is the reason this chapter is late, ohh and another one, be fucking productive and translate more