Chapter 30

‘What’s going on?’

Herietta, who thought it was strange, opened one of her eyes.

“?!”

She couldn’t see Edwin who should have been standing in front of her. Surprised, she opened her eyes wider this time. Where did he go? As she quickly looked around her, she soon noticed that he was kneeling in front of her.

“Ed, Edwin?!”

Startled, Herietta squealed. But Edwin didn’t even move.

He was kneeling on one leg while his other knee was up. With both hands on the floor, he bowed his head deeply, as if a knight was setting the utmost respect for his lord.

Although it was not an easy posture to maintain, he did not look uncomfortable.

“What are you doing now? Come on, get up!”

“You can hit me, or you can call someone out. But Miss Herietta, for today, you should listen to me.”

“I will listen! I’ll listen, so get up first!”

Herietta did her best to help Edwin up. But he did not move like a heavy rock. He took a deep breath and opened his mouth.

“Miss Herietta. Lady Vivianne and I have nothing to do with each other. I once promised her a future, but I also did it because the circumstances and conditions matched, and I swear I never had any feelings more than that.”

Edwin confessed bluntly while maintaining his gaze on the floor.

“The same goes for the day I met her again. I was surprised and embarrassed by the unexpected meeting, but that’s all. Miss Herietta, I didn’t even realize she was there at first. All my attention was on you. Besides…”

Edwin sighed as he trailed off. He looked like he was contemplating whether to say what was on his mind or not. But as if he had made up his mind, he spoke again.

“… All of this happened before I met you, Miss Herietta.”

Edwin’s voice as he spoke the last words lost power. It was as if he was appealing to her.

I never betrayed you, so please reconsider. Please don’t throw me away like this and give me another chance.

Herietta, who was holding the hem of his robe, was speechless. Although she couldn’t see his face, she could tell just by hearing his voice. How desperate he was now.

With the always invisible wall around him, he lowered the gates for this moment and revealed his true self to her.

Herietta saw a man kneeling at her feet. The man she had always considered strong and solid seemed infinitely precarious and weak at this moment.

Her heart was pounding. She clenched her teeth. She then squatted down and she brought her eye to him.

“Edwin. Why are you saying that? If anyone hears it, it will look like you are making excuses for me.”

“It doesn’t matter, because this is an excuse.”

He replied with a weak smile.

“I don’t want to be hated by you, Miss Herietta. I don’t know about anyone else, but never as much as you…”

“Edwin, please stop! Stop it!”

Herietta raised her voice as she cut Edwin’s words. Her breathing became irregular and rapid. Edwin lifted his head and looked at Herietta’s face. But she was burying her face in her hands.

“I can’t hate you. Besides, as you said, you did nothing wrong, so why would I hate you?”

“…”

“I never avoided you because I hated you. Rather I…”

Herietta, who had been speaking as if she were overwhelmed by her emotions, stopped speaking. Her shoulders slightly trembled.

“Edwin. That is… I am afraid of myself.”

After hesitating for a while, Herietta said in a small voice.

“I’m really out of my mind. If you knew what I was thinking whenever I looked at you, you’d be fed up.”

Herietta’s eyes darkened.

* * *

Each night, Herietta could not sleep easily as she tossed and turned on the bed for a long time. And when she does fall asleep, she would invariably flounder in a terrible nightmare and wake up drenched in a cold sweat. It wasn’t the first time she woke up crying.

‘… Lady Vivianne.’

She remembered Edwin, who was calling Vivian’s name as if he were groaning. Then her mouth dried up and her stomach became stuffy. She breathed, but she felt like nothing was coming in.

Herietta gasped at the anguish. It was as if she had gone back to the day she heard the news of Edwin and Vivianne’s engagement two years ago. She thought she had come a long way, but now that she sees it, she still seems to not have moved a single step from the same spot.

‘Does he still love her?’

Every time she saw Edwin, she wanted to ask him. But in the end, she never asked. In fact, it was unavoidable. As much as she wanted to hear his answer, she also didn’t want to hear it.

Herietta shook her head. She wanted to shake off all those unpleasant and dreadful thoughts that kept popping up in her mind regardless of her will.

‘Let’s not be ahead of ourselves.’

Herietta whispered to herself.

It’s just an accidental encounter. She knew it before, so it was a proper reaction.

Besides, even though they were engaged in the past, they aren’t now. There is no link between those two now. So sooner or later, he will return to Philioche and he will never see Vivianne again.

She thought boldly.

‘Yes. Soon, he will return to Philioche.’

But what if Edwin says he doesn’t want to go back?

Her inner voice asked softly.

‘What if Edwin wants to stay here in Lavant and stay with Vivianne? If so, what are you going to do, Herietta?’

She remembered the two of them together again. Vivianne was in Edwin’s arms, and he looked at her lovingly.

Fireworks flashed in front of her. Her heart burned black with jealousy and rose beyond her control.

‘It’s no use even if Edwin loves Vivian, even if he wants to be with her. He’s a slave and belongs to Mackenzie. It doesn’t matter what he wants or who he longs for. If it doesn’t work out, you can forcefully hold him and lock him by your side.’

Herietta clenched her fists.

‘No matter what anyone says, he is mine now. He belongs to me. After all, no one else has the right to remain by his side until the end…’

Herietta, who had been thinking about it, was startled and came to her senses. Belongs? Rights? She wondered what she was thinking now. She slowly went back to the thoughts that came to mind. Meanwhile, her complexion gradually became paler.

Before long, fat tears flowed from Herietta’s eyes.

How could she be like this? How could she be so ugly?

It was terrifying even just thinking about it. When she found out that Edwin’s former masters had insulted him and wielded him against his will, she rebuked them with scorn. She also had a firm vow that she would never be so much like them, no matter what happened in the future.

‘But what makes me different from them now?’

Her shoulders shook and she sniffled, but eventually ended up crying out loud as the night gradually got deeper.

* * *

Herietta quietly finished her words. It was much more difficult than she had thought to reveal the truth about what she wanted to hide and to reveal her ugliness and her ignorance. Because of that, she stumbled several times during the course of her story, forced to subdue her feelings.

‘But since I told him the truth, just that alone…’

She tried to think positively and tried to calm herself, but a drop of water fell on the floor.

“?”

Herietta looked down at the water marks on the carpet, curious about what that was. No way. She patted her face once more with her hand. As expected, both of her cheeks were damp. Her face was contorted. It seems that she was crying without knowing it.

Herietta looked down. She didn’t want to show Edwin how foolish she was. And at the same time, she was afraid to see his face.

It was a dark inner heart that she wanted to hide so much, and it was a selfish desire. Now that Edwin knew her true nature, she couldn’t even imagine what kind of eyes he was looking at her with.

‘If you say you don’t want to talk with me now.’

Herietta trembled, assuming the worst-case scenario.

‘Then what should I do next?’

But at that very moment, she felt a warmth on her hand that was on her lap.

“Miss Herietta.”

Edwin took Herietta’s hand and quietly called her name.

“Miss Herietta, look at me.”

She couldn’t feel negative emotions such as hate or anger from him at all, and his tone was friendly. Herietta looked down at Edwin’s large hand that covered hers. His hand seemed to encourage her and gave her strength as she feared to face the truth.

At first, she hesitated, but then she slowly lifted her head. Edwin was looking straight at her from a distance so close that it would not be an exaggeration to call it right in front of her. He was no longer passionate, nor did he look sad. Unlike when he had lost his composure, there was no wavering in his gaze as he looked at her.

“You don’t have to feel sorry for me. Don’t feel any guilt. There is no need for that, Miss Herietta.”

“Edwin. I told you. I tried to restrict and oppress you. I deeply hated those who blasphemed and wielded your character, but in the end, I was no different from them.”

Herietta said with a very contorted face.

“If it’s because of some sympathy.”

Herietta had no choice but to stop her words in the middle. It was because Edwin, who had been listening intently to her, suddenly grabbed her hand.

“It’s not out of sympathy.”

He answered quietly but firmly.

“Restrict me more, oppress me more. Herietta, if it is by you, I will gladly accept it.”

“What… did you say?”

Restrict and oppress. At Edwin’s incomprehensible request, Herietta asked with a puzzled look on her face. But instead of answering her question, Edwin silently pulled her hand closer to him without saying a word.

“I, Edwin, acknowledge you as my only lord, and the reason for my existence…”

Edwin lowered his head and gently kissed the back of Herietta’s hand. His breath on the back of her hand was hot.

“…Please do not hesitate to wield me, your faithful sword and servant.”

It was part of a knight’s oath, an oath of allegiance uttered by the recipient of the knighthood to the lord he would serve in the future.

It was Edwin, who was once a knight capable enough of leading the Knights of Demner. The fact that he voluntarily recited the words of that vow to Herietta had a huge meaning.

However, Herietta was not very familiar with the culture of chivalry and monarchy. In the end, she didn’t fully understand what he meant by the vow in the end.