If I Disobey the Duke - Chapter 105

Chapter 105 Own Space (2)

He looked at the lord’s face above the swaying bonfire. “You’re already here?”

The truth had come out.

Ivan quickly recovered his words. “I’m sure you’ll be on patrol until the morning…”

Vlad leaned lightly against a towering rock behind his back, raising one knee and putting his arm on it. “I’ll join the invasions from today onwards.”

Why all of a sudden?

They couldn’t bring themselves to ask the question.

The surrounding atmosphere became even more awkwardly heavy. Vlad’s insensitive eyes went through the two knights in front of him one after another.

“Let’s finish what we were talking about. Comfortably.”

“…”

A strange silence fell.

***

Their estimated return time was in one month, about two weeks earlier than the three months promised to Lily.

It was clear that expectations were exceeded, but it was not satisfactory at all.

If the stamina of the regular knights was saved, they would be able to speed up the return trip.

In order to further shorten the return schedule, he had no choice but to go on a rampage.

“…”

It was only two and a half months.

It was hard to breathe. He leaned on the rock in the back of his head, thinking about relaxing his stiff neck.

In the dark blue night sky, the stars glittered like her hair did, densely packed in certain spots and scattered in others.

His heart was pounding and he closed his eyes with mixed feelings. It was a foolish choice.

Using his dark eyelids as a canvas, her appearance came to mind more clearly.

It was so dazzling that just imagining it made him feel nauseous…

There was no other way but to admit it.

Rather than the internal organs and flesh of monsters in front of his eyes, and the air freezing his lungs every night.

The longing he felt was more painful.

[No. If you die, how can I…]

The image of her crying felt like a dagger being stabbed in him everyday.

Her faint breathing. The tears that threatened to cut his heart.

That day, why in the world were you so…

He was surprised by the thought that suddenly came to mind and opened his eyes.

Vlad could feel the knights and Ivan stiffen. Of course, it wasn’t a concern.

This sensation of savagely scratching between the ribs with the tip of a rake-like finger. A bitter, burning sensation in this terrible pain. Regret.

Wallowing in regret was the second most useless endeavor in life. The first was pursuing hypotheticals.

There was no use to just waste time on things that couldn’t be handled. It was a principle that had never been shaken in his life, likely to last for the next thousand years.

But I was regretting it. I still am.

Once admitted, it was a disaster.

Like a collapsing sand mountain, it was an uncontrollable tsunami. If he had known that he would like this, he wouldn’t have been so harsh to her in the last moments.

No.

It was the right thing to do.

It was the only way to quickly end the situation and minimize their separation period.

[Don’t let go, I don’t want to…]

“Damn…”

The sight in his mind was not going to be erased, but he covered his eyelids with one hand anyway.

Even resisting the urge to run to the communication barracks built on the border of the plateau was a struggle.

What if she has a fever because of the cold wind because she prayed till dawn every day since that day I had left?

Anxiety mixed with fear swirled in his gut. He hated that she could be suffering

The damn family of hers never did a single thing to help her.

Because the rate at which his memories were erased was significantly slower than others, the things that he wanted to forget were vivid.

His breath and skin felt too hot.

What in the world did she do at a time when she couldn’t have a word of comfort?

If she wanted a child…

His mind went blank.

No matter how hard it was to resist her, he couldn’t do it. Even though it was an unwanted marriage, she was a woman who showed benevolence to her disgusting, monstrous husband.

Thoughts tangled within his mind. There was only one clear thing in his head.

I miss you.

Crap…

“Lord.” An unwelcome voice penetrated his ears.

When he narrowed his eyes and shifted his gaze, he saw a fidgety Ivan.

Brilliant blond hair and annoyingly blue eyes.

A face of beauty that could only be acknowledged. He was an elegant handsome man who everyone had favored at once.

Ivan rolled his eyes. “We’ll take over the watch… Why don’t you take a rest tonight? Isn’t it too inefficient to stand on the border…?”

Inefficient. It was a word which Ivan really didn’t use.

“That’s a useful idea.” He gently nodded toward Ivan, who breathed a small sigh.

…Lily spent time with Ivan without breaking down.

“Ivan. The two of us can do this alone.”